May 7, 2024

May 2, 2024: North America East Coast Dharma Q&A Tour (4) Toronto, Canada

“Tie my shoelaces! My child acts like a king.”

Hello. Today, the fourth Dharma Q&A of Venerable Pomnyun Sunim’s 2024 North America East Coast tour took place in Toronto, the largest city in Canada.

Sunim completed his early morning practice and meditation and headed to LaGuardia Airport in New York at 5:30 AM to catch a flight to Toronto.

We recalled an incident from last year when his flight was canceled due to a hurricane heading north, almost preventing Sunim from giving a Dharma talk. Fortunately, his departure went smoothly without any incidents this time.

He boarded the flight to Toronto at 8:00 AM after working on some tasks near the gate.

After about an hour’s flight, he arrived at Toronto Airport at 9:10 AM local time. It took an hour to complete the immigration procedures because someone in the group had lost their passport. At the Toronto airport, Jang Hyung-won, a member of the Jungto Society, warmly welcomed us.

After exchanging greetings, we loaded our luggage into the car and headed to Jang Hyung-won’s home, where we would stay for the night. The weather in Toronto was very sunny.

After arriving at our accommodations, we had lunch and then met with the Toronto Jungto Society members at 12:00 PM. Members of the Jungto Society’s Overseas Division and International Division residing in the vicinity of Toronto all gathered together. Although Sunim had conducted a Dharma Q&A in Toronto last year, he had to leave in a hurry after the event.  Today, at the earnest request of the members, a meeting was arranged. Many of the attendees had graduated from online Dharma School and Sutra Course and had become members of Jungto Society.

“Nice to meet you. How do you feel about volunteering in person after only taking classes online?”

“It’s wonderful. Just seeing Venerable Pomnyun Sunim in person gives me the motivation to practice.”

“Thank you for saying so.”

He first introduced the volunteers who had accompanied him from South Korea, and then everyone went around and stated their names, affiliations, and roles. When some members were confused about their affiliations, Sunim provided a general explanation about the structure of the Jungto Society. After that, he took questions.

“Now, if you have any questions, please go ahead.”

Members freely asked a wide variety of questions regarding the Jungto Society. One person expressed concerns about the need for simplicity in life due to environmental concerns yet felt the need for money seems to only increase as the environment gets more polluted.

Should We Save Money in Anticipation of Environmental Pollution?

“I want to live a simple life, and I don’t have much saved up. However, as the environment continues to get polluted, I  may soon need to buy water and even air purifiers. It seems like a lack of money might eventually make survival difficult. In that case, should I just accept death, or should I save money in advance?”

“Dying is great for the environment. (laughs) Having one fewer person means reducing CO²

emissions. However, it’s not good to think in such extremes. In countries like Canada, the USA, and Korea, people don’t die from not having money.

For example, if drinking tap water becomes unviable and people need to start buying water, you will at least be able to do so in Canada. If filtering tap water becomes the norm, either the government would provide the filters, or individuals would be able to afford them. Everyone, no matter how poor, uses smartphones in today’s society. So, in your case, it seems that your worries stem from being overly sensitive. There’s no need to worry too much.

For someone born in a poor household in India, when the air suddenly becomes bad or they can’t afford to buy water, survival could indeed be threatened. However, our current civilization has the capacity to provide emergency treatment if the air suddenly becomes bad enough to cause mass deaths. Of course, a perfect response isn’t possible. Even when the COVID-19 pandemic occurred, vaccines were developed for an emergency response, but side effects have continued to emerge. During the trial period of anything new, side effects are inevitable. If you take a new medication, it might treat one symptom but cause a problem in another part of the body. As time passes, other problems may arise, which is why new medications should only be taken in moderation to treat illnesses. Unless we respond by enhancing our body’s immune system, side effects will always occur. Nonetheless, modern science does possess the power to provide emergency treatments. So, generally, it’s necessary to proceed with caution, but you don’t need to think in such extremes as you do now. If you want to make money, just do it; there’s no need to use the environmental crisis as an excuse.” (laughs)

“These days, I’m wondering if I should buy an air purifier.”

“Isn’t Canada not yet at the point where air purifiers are necessary?”

“It seems necessary to prepare for the future.”

“The reason it’s hard to say when the environmental crisis will come is because it’s impossible to discuss the timing once it crosses a threshold. The crisis could arrive suddenly rather than progress gradually. Instead of the air suddenly becoming unbreathable or the water undrinkable, it’s more likely that large natural disasters will occur first. Temperatures could rise above 50 degrees Celsius, massive wildfires could break out, or an enormous amount of rain could sweep away buildings. These types of natural disasters will come first. Then, the pollution of air and water may become secondary. The jet stream currently circling the Arctic holds the cold air in place, but as it becomes increasingly unstable due to climate change, the cold air could be pushed south, creating a severe cold. And if the cold air is pushed north, temperatures might suddenly rise above 20 degrees Celsius in January.

The idea behind the environmental movement isn’t about stopping consumption entirely and living like a beggar. It’s refraining from constantly buying prettier and more expensive clothes when you already have enough clothes. If you become addicted to consumption, first, you must constantly scramble to meet your cravings. Second, you must always compete with others. And third, you exacerbate climate change. Developed countries should stop consuming at this level and switch to a life of appropriate leisure. However, in many developing countries where people are still starving, a little more consumption is necessary. When I visited the poorest 20 percent in Bhutan, their living conditions still needed much improvement.

Recently, I selected the house of a poor family in Bhutan and remodeled it. It only cost 500,000 KRW (approx. 370 USD). After remodeling the house, I asked the owner if there was anything more he needed, and he replied, ‘I’m happy. I don’t need anything more.’ Of course, he might need more things over time, but for now, he is very satisfied. So, isn’t it more rewarding to improve a family’s life with 500,000 KRW rather than spending it on better clothes? That’s why I am carrying out various projects in Bhutan.

Although the environmental crisis is a significant issue, thinking too extremely about it, like the questioner, can create a sense of urgency that leads to anxiety. Being completely indifferent isn’t right, but reacting too sensitively isn’t advisable either. If an environmental crisis arrives and you truly can’t afford an air purifier or water purifier, I’ll buy you one.” (laughs)

The questions continued.

– Why is Jungto Society divided into International Division and Overseas Division?

– Jungto Society has a significantly higher proportion of female members. Why are there fewer male members in Jungto Society?

– Attending Dharma meetings became burdensome after Jungto Society transitioned online and the weekly Dharma talks are now held on Wednesday evening, instead of Sunday morning, and it conflicts with my work schedule.

– I’m confused between the Middle Way discussed in Buddhism and the Dao discussed in Daoism.

– What would be a good translation for Sunim in Chinese?

– Can we begin the work to directly translate the Korean Dharma School material for Chinese audiences?

– How should we spread the teachings of Buddhism to those who believe Buddhism as a religion?

– What has been the overall atmosphere of Jungto Society since it shifted to being primarily online after the pandemic?

After an hour and a half of conversation, a group photo was taken, and the meeting was concluded.

After the meeting, Sunim took care of some tasks indoors and took a short break before having an early dinner. He departed from his accommodations at 5:20 PM to head to the Dharma Q&A venue.

Today’s Dharma Q&A is being held at the Library Theater inside the Fairview Mall complex.

Upon arrival at the venue, we could see volunteers welcoming the audience at various points. Venerable Pomnyun Sunim greeted them with a bright smile.

By 7:00 PM, the auditorium was filled to capacity. Security personnel at the theater strictly limited the number of entries, and about twenty people were turned away and could not attend the Dharma Q&A.

With 330 people filling the seats, a video introducing Venerable Pomnyun Sunim was shown, which was followed by a round of applause as he walked onto the stage. He began with a greeting.

“Dharma Q&A is similar to talking with a friend. You don’t need any prior preparations. If you have a concern, you can ask about it; if you have a question, you can inquire about it; and if there is something you want to discuss, you can talk about it. Unlike a school class where content is prepared in advance, Dharma Q&A involves asking about the problems in your life spontaneously. Therefore, it is better not to discuss intellectual topics. Although it is not prohibited, nowadays, you can find almost anything on the internet. Information on Buddhist terms like the Three Jewels is readily available online, so there is no need to discuss them here. However, you can’t find answers to questions like ‘I’m worried because my husband drinks too much alcohol’ on the internet. That’s the kind of conversation we want to have here.”

Subsequently, Sunim began to take questions. Eleven people had pre-registered their questions at the entrance of the Dharma Q&A hall, and more were collected on-site, allowing 14 people to converse with Venerable Pomnyun Sunim during the two hours. One of the questions was from a parent concerned about their ten-year-old child acting like a tyrant, wondering how to properly raise the child.

My Son Acts Like a Tyrant and Tells Me to Tie His Shoelaces

“I have a 10-year-old son, and he thinks he alone is the honored one in heaven and on earth. He acts like a king and doesn’t use formal language even towards adults. There have been times when teachers have pulled me aside in tears. Let me give you an example from just yesterday. My son plays hockey. Before heading to practice, he gathered his hockey stick and water bottle, and I drove him to the skating rink. However, when we got out of the car, we realized he had left his stick behind. So I asked, ‘Where’s your stick?’ and he told me to go home and get it while he went in to get ready. I was a bit angry, but I went back to get his stick. When I returned, he hadn’t even tied his shoelaces and was just waiting for me to do it. Then, he complained, ‘Why is this yogurt so sticky?’ I got really angry. You teach that a mother should be involved in raising her child until they are twenty, but I’m worried whether I’m raising my son correctly. My husband suggests sending him to a boarding school to foster his independence, but that feels like abandoning him to a nursing home, which makes me feel guilty. What would be the right choice for my son?”

“Who gave birth to this child?”

“I did.”

“Who raised him?”

“I did.”

“Then, whom does he resemble?”

“He resembles me.”

“If your son has bad manners, it’s due to his upbringing. Your description of the events already contains elements that made it inevitable for him to turn out this way. When he realized he forgot to bring something to play hockey, he acted very boldly instead of crying and wondering what to do. When he says ‘Mom, I’m going to go in. Can you fetch me what I need?’ You could say, ‘I’m busy today, so just go to practice without it.’ Or you could say, ‘Alright, I’ll bring it. Go inside.’ What’s so hard about that? If you return to find him waiting for you to tie his shoelaces, you can simply say, ‘I have to leave. You can tie your own shoelaces.’ Or, you could just say, ‘Okay, I’ll do it.’ There’s no problem here.

What you’re doing now not only fosters bad habits in your child but also suppresses his feelings. You scold him for not having his shoelaces tied but end up tying them for him anyway. You scold him for not bringing his stick but still fetch it for him. Scolding leads to repression, and fulfilling his demands encourages bad behavior. Your actions are currently only having a negative impact on your child. The problem originates from you, not elsewhere.

I have never said ‘a child should be raised by the mother until they are twenty,’ but you’re making it sound like I did because you want to raise your child like a pet. I’ve never heard of such a thing. I have said, ‘It’s best for the mother to raise the child until they are three.’ This means that it’s not necessary for a mother to always be there starting from age four. Parents should care for their children as guardians until they turn twenty, but after that, the children should be completely independent. This is what I always emphasize.

When children reach adolescence, the most loving thing a parent can do is to observe them calmly without interfering too much. When they are young, enveloping them in warmth is love; during adolescence, watching over them is love; and once they are adults over twenty, truly loving parents should sever emotional dependencies. I have never said that a mother should hover and care for her child until they are twenty. You are creating non-existent statements to rationalize your actions.

You are currently responding inappropriately to your son. It’s not right to continually say that your child is bad. How can such a young child be bad? If a small child does not use polite language, it suggests that the parents do not use polite language at home. If you want your child to change, you must first change your own behavior. Whether your husband demands things like ‘Tie my shoes’ or ‘Dress me’, or you make similar demands on your husband for minor things, the issue arises because your child has grown up in an environment where one parent makes unilateral demands. A child cannot perform actions they have neither seen nor heard, just as a computer cannot output data that hasn’t been put in. Instead of trying to fix your son, you need to self-reflect and correct your own actions.

If you think your son should tie his own shoelaces, instead of saying ‘I don’t want to tie your laces anymore, do it yourself’, you could say ‘Mom is busy today. I would like you to tie your own shoelaces,’ and leave it at that even if your son begins to cry, throw tantrums, or even threatens to kill himself. Whether he goes to school or not shouldn’t be a major concern. If a meal is prepared and he doesn’t eat, it’s not right to get angry and clear the table saying, ‘If you won’t eat, I’ll clear the table.’ Instead, you should gently say, ‘Mom has to go to work, so I’ll clear the table. You can eat later when you’re ready.’ If your child asks later for the meal to be prepared, you should say, ‘Mom is busy, so you should prepare it yourself.’ If he cries, leave him be. You shouldn’t say ‘Why are you crying? You didn’t eat when I told you to!’ and prepare another meal for him. This would repress your son’s feelings and worsen his habits. Instead, respond gently, ‘Are you hungry? Can you prepare your own meal? Mom is busy right now.’ Even when he refuses to eat, it’s inappropriate to withhold meals as punishment. Rather, you should say, ‘Mom is too sick today to make food,’ and you should skip your meal with your son. No matter what he says, you should maintain, ‘You can find something to eat. Mom can’t make a meal for you because mom is sick.’

Some mothers might hit their children when they misbehave, but a wise mother will ask the child to bring a stick and tell them to hit her on the calves instead, saying, ‘Because I have not set a good example for you, you have misbehaved. It’s my fault, so you should hit my calves.’ When a child hears this, they are moved and begin to change their behavior. If a mother takes the stick and hits the child’s calves, saying ‘You little rascal, who taught you that?’ the child may stop misbehaving for a short while, but they will resume their bad behavior when the mother is not looking.

You should recognize that this is all your doing. Either let your son be as he is, or if you want to change him, your own lifestyle and attitude must change. Don’t just tell him to use formal language. Instead, you should use formal language in all your interactions. Even if he speaks rudely to you in informal language, you must respond with formal language. Over time, your son will start using formal language as well.”

“Should I really use formal language with my child?”

“It’s similar to how you should speak in English if you want your child to learn to speak English. It wouldn’t be right for you to only speak Korean and demand he speak in English. If you want him to use formal language, then you should use formal language as well. Formal language is not particularly difficult; it’s just a manner of speech. By using formal language yourself, your son will learn to do the same. There’s no need to command him to use formal language; you just need to use it yourself. If both parents use formal language at home, then your son won’t know any other way to speak. Children learn from their environment, so if spouses speak to each other in informal language at home, the children will follow suit.

Sending your son to boarding school is also an option for the time being. But don’t think about it too hard. You can send him, and if it works out, let him stay; if not, bring him back and try something else. I doubt you will be strong enough to send him to boarding school in the first place. Once you hear him say, ‘It’s too hard,’ you’ll just bring him back immediately. You’re treating your child not as a person but as a pet. With the way you’re acting now, your son will never improve. There is nothing inherently wrong with your child. He demands, ‘Mom, bring it to me.’ because you always do.

“I really wanted to send him to boarding school, but because I misunderstood your teachings, I have not sent him yet. I’ll send him right away.”

“You shouldn’t just send him away like you’re discarding him because he won’t listen. It’s not appropriate to hand over your child’s problems to someone else to fix. Just try sending him to boarding school, and if he continues to speak informally when he returns, then just let him be.

I visited a Korean family’s home in Chicago. The mother was running a store, so she didn’t have time to look after her children and had to bring her mother from Korea to help. The grandmother would say, ‘Kids, eat your food,’ but when the kids wouldn’t eat and played instead, she kept saying, ‘Aren’t you going to eat? Eat your damn food.’ When I visited their home, the kids even said to me, ‘Sunim, eat your damn food.’ (Laughter)

Where do you think the children learned that language? They learn it because someone at home uses it. A child doesn’t understand whether a phrase is good or bad; they simply mimic it. In this case, they learned it from their grandmother. Your child speaks that way because you do. Therefore, it’s time for some self-reflection.

It’s not a good attitude to constantly label a child as ‘bad’ whenever an issue arises while they are growing up. You need to do some research and ask yourself, ‘Why is my child acting this way?’ Therefore, it is necessary to change your own attitude and lifestyle to positively influence your child.

If there is still no change, there are two possible reasons. First, if your child is mentally healthy, it could be due to bad habits. Second, your child might have mental issues and be unable to control his emotions. However, most parents are reluctant to accept that their child might have mental issues. Therefore, the first step should be getting a comprehensive evaluation from a psychiatrist specializing in child psychology. Sending him to boarding school is not the solution. If needed, treatment must come first. If your child doesn’t have any mental issues and merely has bad habits, it’s necessary to take measures that are conducive to changing their habits. Those responsible for raising children should always consider what benefits the children from the children’s perspective. Bringing your son home because you miss him, sending him away because he is bothersome is not parenting. Parents exist for the sake of their children, not the other way around. If it is better for your son that his parents take care of him, then no matter how hard it is, you and your husband should do so. If it is beneficial for your son to be educated at a boarding school, then even if you miss him dearly, you must endure the pain for the sake of your child. That is what being a parent is all about.

However, most of you prioritize your own feelings. I’ve seen a woman who cried and felt she was dying because she couldn’t see her child for five days after a divorce. In that case, she is wanting the child to exist for the sake of the parent. Parents may think it’s their right to satisfy their desire to see their child, and legally it might be the mother’s right, but that is not truly in the best interest of the child. If being away from you is beneficial for your son, no matter how desperately you want to see him, you must endure it for his sake.”

“Thank you.”

Questions continued:

– I am living abroad to avoid my mother who suffers from depression, and I will soon have to meet her and my brother who is hard to talk to. Is there a way to get along without issues?

– Buddhism teaches the principle of emptiness, but we live in a materialistic world. What is the wise way to live with the discrepancy between ideals and reality?

– Living abroad, I feel jealous whenever I see my friends in Korea hanging out without me on social media. How can I manage my feelings?

– I would like to know Venerable Pomnyun Sunim’s views on religion.

– What is happiness?

– Busy with daily life, I am confused about what values I should hold.

– I get so stressed about relationships, so I try not to think about them, but it’s hard. How can I stop thinking?

– Since I was 17, I have pondered who I am and why I live, and I gained enlightenment last year. What enlightenment have you, Venerable Pomnyun Sunim, attained?

– How can I overcome my lack of confidence?

– What attitude should I adopt in meditation to feel less afflicted?

– I brought my two children with me to the U.S., and I want to send my elder child who doesn’t study back to Korea, while I want to have my younger child who is a good student to be educated here. What should I do?”

– After turning twenty, what values should I hold to lead an independent life?

At the end of the conversation with all the questioners, Sunim made some closing remarks:

“Parents raise their children with the best of intentions, but they end up spoiling their children. Children should not be treated like pets but raised as human beings. Up to the age of three, when a child’s self is formed, they should be cared for very attentively. After the self has formed, from age four onwards, they should be shown good examples, and by the age of eight, they should be given the opportunity to do chores such as dishwashing and cleaning their room together with their parents. This way, children naturally learn by following the actions of their parents.

The Way for Parents to Be at Ease and Raise Healthy Children 

I have been involved in various types of work in impoverished countries, so people say, ‘Venerable Pomnyun Sunim knows everything.’ This is all thanks to receiving good early education. Born into poverty, experiencing everything firsthand has made me knowledgeable in many areas. However, most of you deny your children these opportunities for early education. By forbidding them from doing anything but study and constantly nagging them to ‘just study,’ by the time they are twenty, they end up being incapable individuals who can’t cook, wash dishes, clean their room, do laundry, or do anything at all. When such individuals get married, how can you expect them to have a happy marriage?. This is the result of parental folly.

It’s time to come to your senses. It shouldn’t be hard even if you raise five children. Providing excessive care is what makes raising children difficult. The first three years might be tough, but it gets easier as they grow. Have the older child do the dishes and the younger one cook rice. The more children you have, the more helpers you have, which is easier for the mother. This way, the mother doesn’t get worn out, and the children grow up healthy. Overprotecting children will result in a  serious crisis for human civilization. It’s not just the climate crisis that’s a threat. An incorrect way of life will lead to major crises in the future.

Once you have raised your children until they are twenty, you have done your part. Don’t worry about them anymore. Whether they live or die, become monks or nuns, stay single or get married, their life is theirs to live. This also allows you to live your own life. Women shouldn’t fuss too much over their sons, who will someday be someone else’s partners or husbands. It’s more important to pay attention to their own men. If you neglect your man and keep looking after your son, you will suffer when another woman takes your son away. Stop making such foolish mistakes.

Men also need to take note. Women generally live about ten years longer than men. If your wife passes away and you are left alone, unless you are extremely wealthy, your life will be pitiful. No one in this world will care for you like your wife does. No matter how filial your children are, they will not look after you like a spouse. Thus, recognize the value of your wife and take good care of her. Planning to leave your assets to your children is an invitation to misery in your later life. Understand this principle and live your life wisely.”

The Dharma Q&A ended with a big round of applause and was immediately followed by a book signing on stage. Sunim made eye contact and greeted each participant.

As the Dharma Q&A concluded successfully, the faces of the volunteers filled with joy.

After taking a group photo, Sunim once again thanked the volunteers.

“Thank you all for your hard work. I have a live broadcast early tomorrow morning, and I’m not feeling well, so I will head back now. Please have a nice sharing session with Dharma teachers Myodeok and Bophae.”

“Yes, thank you, Sunim.”

Leaving the Dharma Q&A hall, Sunim headed to his accommodations.

He arrived at his accommodations at 10:30 PM, concluding his day.

Tomorrow, after morning practice, he plans to conduct a live broadcast of the Friday Dharma Q&A at 6:30 AM, and then fly back to Dallas to give another Dharma Q&A with English interpretation for an English-speaking audience.