“I’m worried about my ex-husband who became addicted to alcohol after our divorce”
April 30, 2024: North American East Coast Dharma Q&A Tour (2) Boston
Hello. Today is the day Venerable Pomnyun Sunim will be holding a Dharma Q&A with English interpretation for an English-speaking audience in Boston.
After finishing his morning prayer and meditation, Sunim had breakfast and left for Boston at 8 AM.
The drive from New York to Boston takes about four hours. Although the Dharma Q&A is scheduled for the evening, Sunim had a meeting at 2 PM, so we left in the morning. We packed a lunch box and headed toward Boston. During the drive, we received news that the meeting was canceled.
“Since we have some time, let’s visit a meditation center.”
On our way to Boston, we stopped at the Insight Meditation Society, where Sunim visited 20 years ago. It is one of the largest and most renowned Vipassana meditation centers in the United States.
After parking the car, we met someone taking a walk who guided us to a serene building nestled in a tranquil forest.
Upon entering the building, a person who had been working there for seven years greeted us. Sunim remembered the stained glass he had seen 20 years ago. The building, which used to be a Catholic monastery, is now being used as a meditation center.
“Do a lot of people visit the meditation center?”
“The demand for meditation is so high that we can’t accommodate everyone.”
“It’s good to hear that increasingly more people are meditating. Thank you for the tour.”
Sunim expressed his gratitude for the well-maintained and thriving center by offering a donation.
After leaving the meditation center, we parked by a lake and had lunch. Unlike yesterday when we were sweating due to the heat, today was cold, so we ate our sandwiches while wrapped in blankets.
We headed straight to the Dharma Q&A venue after lunch.
At 4 PM, after driving for 3 hours, we arrived at the First Church in Belmont Unitarian Universalist in Massachusetts where the Dharma Q&A would be held. As we had some time before the event, we had initially planned to visit Manjusri Temple, but decided to rest in the car instead. The driver had been driving for a long time and needed to rest, and Sunim had indigestion from eating a cold sandwich.
The Dharma Q&A started at 6:30 PM. Posters announcing Venerable Pomnyun Sunim’s Dharma Q&A were displayed all around the church entrance.
Upon entering the church, we could see that it was packed with 110 attendees. Lee Ackerson, who always volunteered to drive Sunim and his entourage whenever Sunim visited Boston, hosted today’s event. After Lee gave a detailed introduction of Sunim, Sunim went up to the stage amid a big round of applause.
“After watching a video introducing Ven. Pomnyun Sunim, we will invite him to the stage.”
Venerable Pomnyun Sunim conveyed his gratitude to the church for hosting the event and then started the conversation.
“Today, I want to talk about human relationships beyond any specific religious philosophy or ideology. When I ask people how they want to live, most say they wish to live happily without suffering. When I ask how they are currently living, they often say they are living with stress and suffering. Therefore, one might wonder, why do we live in suffering if we wish to live without it?
In ancient times, people believed that suffering was due to the will of heaven or fate. In the East, it is said that one’s destiny is determined by their time of birth, known as ‘Saju.’ In South Asia, centered around India, it is believed that the suffering in one’s current life is due to the karma from deeds in past lives. This is called fatalism. It means that the life you are living now was already predetermined before you were even born.
However, 2,600 years ago, a man named Siddhartha Gautama who was born in India questioned this belief. He wondered, ‘Why do humans suffer?’ and explored this question on his own. He concluded that human destiny is not predetermined but formed, and if you explore the causes of suffering and remove them, you can live without suffering.
This state of being without suffering is called ‘nibbana’ in Pali and ‘nirvana’ in Sanskrit. The ultimate goal of the Buddha’s teachings is neither being reborn in a better place after death nor to being reborn in a better place in the next life, but to attain nirvana here and now without suffering. If we are suffering, we should not just endure it but explore, ‘Why do we suffer?’
Today’s Dharma Q&A is the same. If you are suffering from any problem, let’s discuss why you suffer. As we live our lives, we encounter many questions. If you have such questions, we can have a conversation about them. If you have something you want to discuss, we can talk about that. Let’s start the conversation.”
People raised their hands and talked about their concerns. During the two-hour session, seven people engaged in conversations with Sunim. One of them was worried about her ex-husband, who became addicted to alcohol after their divorce and was informed by his doctor that he may die within the year.
I’m Worried About My Ex-Husband Who Became Addicted to Alcohol After Our Divorce
“My ex-husband was fine before, but after we divorced, he became severely addicted to alcohol. He has been through a lot, and I’ve been through a lot too. He almost died several times, the doctor said that if he keeps drinking, he could die within the year. But four weeks ago, something miraculous happened. He willed himself to stop drinking. He has been sober for four weeks. I hope he keeps it up and returns to a normal life.”
“So, you got divorced?”
“Yes.”
“Then, please don’t worry about him. How he lives is up to him. Being overly concerned about your ex-husband is also making you suffer. Crying won’t help your ex-husband. It’s just a waste of your emotions. It doesn’t help at all, but you’re wasting your energy on it. I understand how you feel, but you are being foolish. Do you have children?”
“Yes.”
“For the sake of your children, you need to be healthy. Those who will die will die, and those who live must live. The living should maintain their health. Unfortunately, alcohol addiction often ends in death.”
“My ex-husband is here today, Sunim.”
“Even if your ex-husband is here, I must speak the truth. If he chooses to drink himself to death, what can you do? Just as we can’t stop people from committing suicide, we can’t stop people becoming addicted to alcohol. In Korea, an average of 34 people commit suicide daily. It’s a social phenomenon. You may be able to help someone to reduce the frequency of their drinking, but it’s impossible to make them stop drinking altogether. If he chooses that path, you must respect it. We can suggest that they be treated, but we can’t force them to do it. Just as cancer is a disease, so too is alcoholism. You shouldn’t worry too much.”
“Now he is getting better, so I want to help him get better.”
“There is no way for you to help him get better. It’s up to your ex-husband to decide. If he wants to live, he must stop drinking. If he continues to drink, he will eventually die. You need to take good care of your children. If you keep crying over your ex-husband or keep concerning yourself with him, you’ll end up wasting your energy. People might think your concern for your ex-husband is admirable, but in my view, you’re wasting your emotions.”
“So, just focus on my daughter and me?”
“Yes. What can you do if your ex-husband decides to drink and die? It’s fortunate that he is here. If he drinks a lot and dies quickly, the people who are alive can live more peacefully. But if he doesn’t want to die quickly, he must stop drinking.
Alcoholism should be seen as a disease. You might think, ‘He should just stop drinking,’ but it’s not that simple. If a person can stop drinking on their own, then it’s not a disease. It’s a disease because they can’t stop on their own. That’s why your ex-husband needs to be admitted to a hospital to stop drinking. After leaving the hospital, he should attend AA meetings, where alcoholics who want to stop drinking help one another. These people can start drinking again with just a little stress. People around them may think, ‘They can just quit drinking. Why do they drink again?’ But they can’t control it because it’s an addiction.
There is no one in the world who wants to die. They just can’t control themselves. When they start to drink again, they should be readmitted to the hospital. And if they can stop drinking, they should be discharged from the hospital. Occasionally, some people manage to quit drinking. Then, they can survive. However, those who can’t quit no matter how hard they try will gradually move toward death.
At this point, there are no other options. So, don’t worry too much. A problem that can’t be solved won’t be solved no matter how much you worry. The best way to stop worrying is to wish that he drinks a lot and dies quickly and be ready to serve him alcohol if he wants it. Then, you won’t be distressed even if he drinks and ends up dying. Also, you won’t be troubled even if he lives because it’s a fortunate thing. This is practice. Practice is not being affected whether this happens or that happens.”
“Thank you.”
“Though our time is up, I will take more questions from the audience. Please raise your hand and speak.”
The questions continued:
- When I see people behaving immorally, I get angry. How can I stop feeling angry or judgmental?
- What do you think about introducing concepts of “good” and “meditation” into the reunification of the Korean peninsula, based on the teachings of “The Middle Way” by the Dalai Lama?
- After getting divorced, I find it very painful not being able to take good care of my children. I’m worried about their safety. What should I do?
- According to the Buddha’s teachings, what decisions should Korean leaders make regarding the reunification of North and South Korea?
- How should I forgive a friend whose actions resulted in the death of my child?
- Is it not selfish to pursue one’s own interests? You speak of looking after one’s own interests, but how should we view selfishness?
Thanks to Jason’s interpretation, the conversation went smoothly. Sunim concluded the Dharma Q&A after responding to the last question:
“In my view, it seems that all of you don’t know how to properly look after your own interests. That is unwise. Being distressed doesn’t solve anything. It’s merely a waste of your emotions. When you fall, should you sit and cry, or should you get up? Sitting and crying doesn’t help solve the problem. You need to get up and keep walking. The same applies if you fall again. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve fallen. What matters is that you keep getting up and moving forward. When you reach your destination and look back, it doesn’t make a difference whether you fell once, ten times, or a hundred times. The important fact is that you have arrived. The difficulties you encounter in life aren’t important. The important thing is that you have come this far.
Whatever happens, as long as you are alive, you have the right to live happily. Whether you exercise that right or give it up is your choice. I hope you fully exercise your right to lead a happy life.”
The Dharma Q&A concluded at 8:30 PM. After stepping down from the stage, Sunim shook hands with the people in the audience and asked how they found the Dharma Q&A, especially asking the non-Korean attendees about their impressions.
“How was it?”
“Some things were easy to understand, and some were difficult.”
“Please come again next time.”
“Yes. I will do that.”
Sunim sought out the family that asked about alcohol addiction, but they had already left. A young man who asked about North-South relations thanked Sunim for a very informative Dharma Q&A and took a photo together.
Sunim took a photo with the volunteers who had prepared the Dharma Q&A in Boston and then rushed to the home of Mr. and Mrs. Lee Ackerson for a live broadcast of the Wednesday Dharma meeting with Jungto Society members.
We arrived 10 minutes before the starting time. We quickly set up the equipment and started the live broadcast at 9 PM local time, which was 10 AM in Korea.
First, Venerable Pomnyun Sunim greeted the members of the Jungto Society in Korea:
“Right now, I am in Boston, on the east coast of the United States. Last Wednesday, I was doing a field survey in Bhutan, so I couldn’t conduct the Wednesday Dharma meeting. Yesterday, I was in New York at Columbia University for a Dharma Q&A. It was chaotic on campus due to protests against the bombings in the Gaza region by Israel, and there were police everywhere. Despite this situation, many people attended the Dharma Q&A, and it ended safely. I departed from New York this morning and arrived in Boston. After completing the Dharma Q&A at a church, I hurried here to join you for this Dharma meeting.”
Then, those who had registered questions beforehand conversed with Sunim. Four individuals raised their hands and asked their questions.
When all the questions were answered, it was already time to wrap up. Sunim made his closing remarks:
“Last week, I went to Bhutan and signed a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) with the Royal Government of Bhutan. It was a MOU for a one-year pilot project. We will carefully investigate and inspect all the details during this pilot project and plan to formally sign a five-year project agreement for sustainable development in the second half of this year.
Therefore, before I let you go, let’s watch a video about my visit to Bhutan. Some might think, ‘Why do we need to watch it?’ but solving environmental crises and helping those in need are very important issues for us. The primary purpose of establishing the Jungto Society was to overcome the environmental crisis, maintain peace, and help those in need. The sustainable development project in Bhutan consists of practical implementation of these purposes. If you watch the video, you will see that issues related to the environment and helping those in need are all included in this project. So, the perspective we take in implementing this project is very important.
When helping those who are in need, you might end up promoting consumption, and if you place too much emphasis on environmental problems, you may neglect the difficulties people are going through. This is already happening in Bhutan. Trying to protect wildlife creates difficulties for farmers, and trying to cater to the needs of farmers can lead to a development-oriented approach. Solving these problems in a moderate way without conflicting with each other requires a lot of research. I hope all of you will learn lessons from watching this video together. So, this video in itself is a Dharma talk. Don’t think that it has nothing to do with you, and please watch it attentively. “
After the live broadcast, we quickly dismantled the equipment and prepared to leave.
“Please have a drink of water before you go, Sunim.”
“That’s alright. We have a long trip ahead of us.”
Sunim took a commemorative photo with Mr. and Mrs. Lee Ackerson, who had prepared today’s Dharma Q&A and provided the space for the live broadcast of the Dharma meeting.
“Thank you.”
Sunim then departed for New York at 10:10 PM as it started to rain. He ate some kimbap prepared by the volunteers and quickly fell asleep.
When we woke up from a restful sleep in the car, we were back in New York, much earlier than expected. We arrived at 2 AM instead of the anticipated 4 AM. Sunim thanked Mr. Kim Myeong-ho, who drove long distances from early morning to late at night.
“You’ve worked hard driving all night. Thank you.”
Today, we spent a lot of time on the road.
Tomorrow, a Dharma Q&A for the Korean community is scheduled in New Jersey.
