May 1, 2024: North America East Coast Dharma Q&A Tour (3) New Jersey
“I feel wronged when a coworker takes credit for my work”
Hello. Today, the third Dharma Q&A of Venerable Pomnyun Sunim’s 2024 overseas tour took place in New Jersey, United States.
Venerable Pomnyun Sunim completed the Wednesday Dharma Talk at 10 PM yesterday and left Boston to arrive in New York at 2 AM. After a brief rest, he began his day with morning practice and meditation.
After breakfast, Sunim took care of some tasks in the morning, and rested in the afternoon after lunch. Sunim has not been feeling well lately, perhaps due to the demanding schedules of conducting surveys in Bhutan last week.
“Now that I have the time, I seem to have gotten sick. I may not have had the time to be sick until now.”
After resting, Sunim headed to the Dharma Q&A venue at 5 PM. It took an hour by car to reach Pine Plaza in New Jersey, where today’s Dharma Q&A would be held.
Upon arrival at the venue, he greeted the volunteers. Many volunteers were welcoming the audience as they entered the venue.
Sunim remained seated until the Dharma Q&A began at 7 PM. After a short video introducing Venerable Pomnyun Sunim was shown, he walked onto the stage to a loud round of applause.
He greeted the audience with a bright smile. He shared news of his visit to Bhutan over the past week.
“I was in Bhutan last week. Bhutan is a landlocked country located between India and China. The northern part of Bhutan borders China and is strewn with peaks of the Himalayas, while the southern region consists of subtropical plains. The country is about 40% the size of South Korea and consists entirely of mountains. It has a population of about 800,000, which is quite small. Bhutan is one of three countries in the world with zero carbon emissions, which is a testament to its well-preserved nature. Although it may vary depending on how you measure it, it’s known as the country with the highest Gross National Happiness (GNH) in the world. It’s recognized as a poor yet happy country. However, from my experience surveying around Bhutan, I would not go as far to say that people there are extremely happy. Still, compared to other poor countries, the disparity between the rich and poor seemed very small. I couldn’t see any beggars, the roads and streets were very clean, and traditions were well maintained.
To Create a Model of Happy Living with Minimal Consumption
The fourth king of Bhutan first introduced the concept of ‘Gross National Happiness.’ When we make investments, like hosting the Olympics or a fair, we usually calculate the economic gains. We say investing one million dollars yielded a gain of three million dollars worth of economic growth. However, the fourth king of Bhutan questioned, ‘How can you calculate human life in terms of money? Human life should be calculated in terms of happiness.’ Thus, the investment was measured by how much it increased the happiness of the residents, known as ‘Gross National Happiness.’ Although it originated from a small country like Bhutan, it has influenced the international community, and now, the term ‘Gross National Happiness’ is even used by the United Nations. Jacinda Ardern, the former prime minister of New Zealand, adopted happiness as a national policy goal, and countries like Norway and Finland also focus on the GNH index when evaluating investments.
There are increasingly more countries that are starting to adopt GNH, but in South Korea, people only talk about money. And it was similar in Bhutan. People there also seem to think money will solve all their problems. That’s why recently Bhutan’s happiness index has dropped significantly. There could be a few reasons for this. First, because classes from elementary school onward are conducted in English, most young people speak English. Second, electricity is available wherever people live, so they can use smartphones and the internet. Because they can speak English, even if they live in remote villages, they can access news from around the world. Thus, naturally, foreign influences seep in. That’s why it is a popular trend for young people to move to other countries. Especially, since Australia is actively recruiting, many young people are going to Australia to work. A young government worker mentioned that all his friends have gone abroad, and he is the only one remaining in Bhutan. As a result, there are only elderly people in rural areas, a phenomenon that is similar to that of South Korea.
The reason I became interested in Bhutan was that I wanted to create a model of a happy life based on minimal consumption in the era of climate crisis. Initially, I thought of selecting one county in South Korea to create this model. However, Koreans would need to reduce consumption significantly to achieve zero carbon emissions. If we suggested reducing the level of consumption in Korea, there would be a lot of opposition. Since there would be a big resistance to decreasing consumption, I judged it would be difficult to implement this in South Korea.
But in Bhutan, the GDP per capita is around 3,000 USD, so people can maintain zero carbon emissions even with a slight increase in consumption. The idea is to improve the lives of the extremely poor but not pursue development beyond that in one sample region. I hope people will visit that region and find it very livable, despite being less convenient. That’s the model of sustainable development I wish to create. Bhutan has clean air, clear water, and a beautiful natural environment. Even though there may be less amenities inside the homes, a living environment that most people will find to be acceptable is what I want to create as a model of life in Bhutan.
A Way to Live Without Any Obstacles in the World
In the future, as environmental pollution worsens, and it becomes an everyday occurrence to wake up to the news of tens of thousands dying from respiratory diseases due to air pollution, and when frequent floods, droughts, and fires make it impossible for people to live as before, that’s when people will take an interest sustainable living. So, we are looking 100 years ahead in working on this project with the Royal Government of Bhutan. It’s important to prepare now for potential difficulties we might face in the future. When I explained this, someone asked me this question,
‘What will you do if climate change turns out to be not so severe despite making all these preparations?’
If climate change doesn’t turn out to be disastrous, that’s a good thing. But if it becomes severe and life becomes unbearable, then the preparations we’ve made will shine and be worthwhile. This is the perspective of practice. If you fall into misery because your husband suddenly died, you’re not a practitioner. You should be fine whether your husband lives or dies. Why? If your husband is alive, it’s good because you get to live together, and if he dies, it’s also good because you’ll get a chance to get married again. There is no need to be sad if your girlfriend breaks up with you. It’s a good thing when you are dating because you are together, and it’s also a good thing if she leaves you because you can meet someone new. Therefore, if your girlfriend leaves you, you should thank her.
Practice is having the perspective that nothing is inherently good or bad. There are many cases in which having something is good or bad to different people. Some people are happy because they have a mother-in-law, but others suffer because they have one. If something that was good disappears, suffering will arise, and if something that was bad continues to exist, suffering will also arise. But if you change your perspective and see that having something and not having something are both good, you won’t have any obstacles in the world. Having no obstacles is called liberation, and having no suffering is called nirvana. The goal of practice is to attain liberation and nirvana.
No matter what happens, you must have the perspective that things going either this way or that way is good. If you have the perspective that things going one way is great but going another way is terrible, you always have to hope that things turn out in your favor. That’s why you always feel anxious. If there are great things and terrible things, you have to keep praying that it turns out great. Whether you pray to the Buddha or God or anyone, you have to keep asking someone to look out for you. But a practitioner has no need to pray because it’s always good whether things turn out this way or that. If the bus arrives, it’s good because you can get to your destination quickly. If the bus doesn’t come, it’s good because walking is healthy for you. When I was in Bhutan, while riding in the back of a truck, someone in the group asked me, ‘Isn’t it hard riding in the back of a truck, Sunim?’ So I replied, ‘It’s not as hard as walking.’ When you are walking carrying a heavy load, it feels incredibly good when a passing truck gives you a lift. And when you’re in a car, you can only see the scenery outside the window, but when you’re in the back of a truck, you get a great view of the whole mountain. Apart from the bumpy ride and the dust, everything else is good. ‘It’s good if there is a seat available, and I can sit inside the car, because it’s comfortable, and it’s also good if there aren’t any seats available, and I can ride in the back of a truck, because I can see all of the scenery.’ If you hold this perspective, you won’t have any obstacles in life. In a Dharma Q&A, people usually say either of two things. One is that they are miserable because they have something or that they are miserable because they don’t have something. Let’s hear what people have to say today.” (Laughter)
Then, Sunim began to take questions from the people who had signed up in advance. Many people had signed up, but only seven could converse with him during the two hour Q&A. One of them asked how to manage his feelings of injustice when a colleague at work took credit for his achievements.
I Feel Wronged When a Coworker Takes Credit for My Work
“I’d like to know how to wisely overcome the issue of my low self-esteem which has been damaged in my relationships with people.”
“Can you tell me specifically what damaged your self-esteem?”
“There are many cases both at work and in my own business where I feel wronged.”
“What specifically made you feel wronged?”
“At work, a colleague sometimes claims they did the work that I did. In my business, the building owner harasses me terribly.”
“Isn’t it just part of life that a boss or colleague might take credit for your achievements? This is often how things get complicated and messy in the world.”
“There have been many instances where I’ve been held responsible for things that had nothing to do with me, and I felt wronged. After enduring such situations for years, my self-esteem has hit rock bottom, and I think I might have developed a fear of social interactions.”
“People experience such things in life. Think back to when you were a student. Teachers sometimes misread the situation and severely punish a kid when another kid broke the rules. When brothers fight, only the older brother may get scolded for it. Sometimes, the younger brother gets scolded for standing up to his older brother. This is why when people talk about their childhood after growing up, they say, ‘My parents only loved my older brother,’ ‘They only loved my younger brother,’ or ‘They only loved my sister,’ and express resentment toward their parents. However, their parents don’t even remember what they’re talking about. The parents were just acting based on their condition each day.
Teachers are the same. I remember a story from when I was in elementary school. Some kids were playing with jegis (Korean hacky sack), and one went up on the school roof. The kids got a pole to get the jegi down but ended up breaking a tile. I didn’t play jegi and wasn’t even there at the time, but just because I was the class president, the teacher called me to the front of the classroom and hit me four times. I felt so wronged that I wrote in my diary that I will never forgive the teacher. I even added, ‘I will not think less of this event even when I get older.’ But if you went to that teacher now and talked about this, would that teacher even remember what happened? They probably wouldn’t. That’s life. Sometimes, such unintended things happen. That’s why there are many victims in this world, but not many perpetrators. That’s because that’s how human psychology works.
Let’s say a couple had an argument in the morning. The wife goes to work and forgets about the fight while busy with this and that. But the husband thinks about the fight all day long. The more he thinks about it, the angrier he gets, and he firmly decides, ‘If she comes home from work and doesn’t apologize to me, I will leave her.’ But when the wife comes home from work, she acts as if nothing had happened. How annoying must that be? So, the husband angrily raises the issue. Then, the wife gets angry, asking why he is still holding onto it. This is how fights escalate. This is the reality of life.
From your perspective, it’s frustrating and upsetting, but there’s not really much to be frustrated or upset about. Most of the time, people take responsibility for what they’ve done wrong. But about 30% of the time, people are blamed for something they didn’t do, and sometimes people escape blame even when they did something wrong. Just like there were times when the older brother gets punished for something the younger brother did. That’s how the world works. But if you keep feeling wronged, your own self-esteem will suffer. That’s because you don’t understand the principles of the world. If that company is particularly problematic in that area, you should quit. If you’re particularly sensitive to this, then you need to change your perspective.
“I quit and moved to another company. But I think I’m the one who is sensitive.”
“Both factors are in play here. The company could be particularly deplorable, and you could be sensitive. (To the audience) You should try talking to your parents about when you got scolded badly in your childhood. If you ask your mother, will she say, ‘I understand you were hurt when you got scolded’? Usually, she’ll say something like, ‘Stop talking nonsense. When did I ever do that?’ and won’t even remember that it happened. Children hold grudges against their parents for being scolded, and the parents don’t even remember that they ever did it. It never occurs to parents that their children were hurt by something that they did. If a child says they felt hurt, their parents often answer, ‘I did it for your own good!’ Parents shouldn’t respond that way. If your child raises an issue, you should acknowledge their feelings and soothe them.
‘I see that you felt hurt because of that. What else hurt your feelings? Tell me more.’
However, children shouldn’t expect their parents to acknowledge their feelings and comfort them. Parents usually don’t ever think that there is something wrong about scolding their children when they were kids. When you raise an issue with them, they respond in the following way 100% of the time. They either don’t remember it or say, ‘I did it for your own good.’ That’s why there are no perpetrators, but there are many victims. That’s the nature of the human psyche.
Similarly, the questioner feels wronged, but the perpetrators don’t think they’ve caused any harm to the questioner. You’re trying to take revenge, but there’s no one to take revenge on. That’s why the Buddha said not to repay an enemy with enmity, and Jesus said to love your enemies. To love someone doesn’t mean you have to like them. From your perspective, you may feel deep resentment, but from their perspective, it’s nothing to be resentful about. If you understand the relationship between the cause you have created and the resulting effect, there’s no reason to hate or resent others. But we don’t understand these causes and effects, so we hate, resent, and hold grudges. But that’s only harmful to you. That’s how the world is.
If you dislike this world, you might wish to go to heaven or a paradise where there is no suffering, but once you get there, you’ll be disappointed and want to leave. There are no karaoke bars or pubs, so it’s boring, and you will not want to live there. People in Africa or Southeast Asia think of America as a paradise and believe everything will be solved once they get to America, but that’s because they haven’t been here. How about all of you living here in America? Is it really a paradise?”
“No.”
“Heaven doesn’t exist in a separate world. The place where you cultivate a positive mind is heaven. Moving doesn’t solve the problem. Moving from Korea to America, from America back to Korea, or to Canada doesn’t solve anything. So, changing companies won’t solve the problem. As long as you are sensitive, the same problems can occur in the new company. Therefore, it’s necessary to change your perspective significantly.
There are no particularly good people or particularly bad people in the world. There are occasionally people with mental conditions that may be extremely malicious. But it won’t make much difference even if you change companies. I hope you change your perspective and live happily.”
“Thank you for the good advice.”
The questions continued.
– When I see friends who make a lot of money, I feel inferior. How can I live without feeling inferior?
– I’m 80 years old, how should I live? I still want to do meaningful work.
– I know I should let go of my desires, but part of me doesn’t want to.
– I want to know how to be happy even when I’m alone in solitude.
– My father and I have different political views, making it difficult to have a conversation. How can we have more constructive conversations?
– I’m curious about the relationship between the concept of emptiness and the material world.
Two hours passed quickly, and it was soon time to end the Dharma Q&A. Venerable Pomnyun Sunim once again shared with the audience how to live a happier life.
“What if someone received a doctorate degree in Buddhist studies and was a professor of Buddhism? Would this person get angry if their spouse cheated?”
“Yes.”
“Having a lot of knowledge on Buddhism is just like knowing a lot about natural sciences, history, or biology. It can be considered Buddhism as a philosophy, but not Buddhism as a practice. Buddhism as a practice is about maintaining your center even when you lose money, get hit by someone, or hear something unjust, without falling into resentment or sadness. Everyone can do this. It doesn’t require knowledge or belief. You just need the right perspective.
If You Know the Truth as It Is, There’s No Reason to Suffer
If you say an object is yours, you’ll be disappointed when you lose it. Rather than being disappointed at that moment, a practitioner would understand the principle that there’s nothing you should call yours. Someone may say, ‘I bought it, so it’s mine.’ Didn’t people buy humans with money in the past? Then, if you buy a person with money, does that person become yours? If I went to Africa and bought a child from a poor family for 100,000 USD, would that child be recognized as mine? No. Someone may also say, ‘It’s mine because I made it.’ Then, the cars made at Hyundai Motors should belong to the workers who made them, right? We say, ‘It’s mine because I received it as a gift,’ ‘It’s mine because I made it,’ ‘It’s mine because I bought it,’ but if you look closely, you may think that it belongs to you, but there’s nothing that can truly be called yours.
Let’s say I had this cup and gave it to Person A because they needed it. Person A used it and then gave it to Person B. Would Person B think that this cup belongs to Sunim or to Person A who gave it to them?”
“To Person A.”
“It’s all just a matter of perspective. When you truly understand the reality as it is, there will be no reason to suffer, let alone endure. First, you must properly understand this principle, and second, you must experience it. Even if you become aware of it, old habits are hard to break, and you are likely to act according to your old habits. You should know these mental tendencies and keep practicing to apply the lessons in your daily lives. Even if you suddenly become angry without realizing it, you should quickly recognize, ‘I was insisting on my views.’ If you insisted that something was yours, you should realize it and let go of it. This is the original teaching of Buddhism, which aims to enable everyone to live without suffering.
Because this is not a matter of faith, there is no reason why Christians, for example, cannot do it. The constitution guarantees freedom of religion. Learning the Dharma has nothing to do with religion. That’s why I give Dharma Q&As in churches and cathedrals as well. If it were necessary to believe in Buddhism, why would I host Dharma Q&As in such places? And why would I not tell you to believe in Buddhism? Matters of faith are for the individual to decide. Understanding how the mind works and acting accordingly can enable anyone to live without suffering.
If your spouse were good looking, young, wealthy, and knowledgeable, another person would have taken them long ago. Why would they remain with you? The spouse you have is the best you can choose from the available options. There could be better ones, but they’re not within your reach. Knowing this principle helps us cherish the people around us with whom we have relationships. I hope you will carry this perspective and live happily every day.”
The Dharma Q&A concluded with a big round of applause. Afterward, old acquaintances came to meet Sunim. He greeted them warmly, asking about their well-being.
Then, a book signing session was held. The line for signatures that began on stage continued all the way around the Dharma Q&A hall.
After the book signing, Sunim took commemorative photos with the volunteers who had prepared the Dharma Q&A and expressed his gratitude to them.
“Thank you all for your hard work.”
It was past 9 PM when he left the Dharma Q&A hall. By the time he arrived at his accommodations, it was after 10 PM.
Tomorrow, he is scheduled to travel to Toronto, Canada, to meet with members of Jungto Society and hold a Dharma Q&A for the Korean community in the evening.
